I Should have turned back
by ex oh ex oh Gossip Gurl
Summary: Alex Russo never thought her life would involve this. Yet here she was, and she knew it was too late to turn back. And When what she has done haunts her what will she do to make it stop?
1. Chapter 1

(Alex P.O.V)

I just stood there in my bathroom ith the test that just determined the rest of my life. I couldn't believe it. I Alexandra Russo was pregnant at 16. It took only seconds for it to sink in and I suddenly collapsed on the floor crying harder than I had ever remembered crying before. As I sat there, thankfully alone for the time being, I thought about the night IT had happened. It was with my boyfriend, Nate. He was my first and I was glad it was him. The only reason that I regretted it was because I was pregnant. Since everyone else was out I pulled out my cell phone and tried to pull myself together before I called. After a few seconds I hit speed dial 2 and waited for an answer. It didn't take too long before I got someone on the other line

"Hey Ali what's up?" my best friend Mitchie asked. For some reason then and there I started crying all over again, so much for pulling myself together huh.

"Ali you ok?" Mitchie asked.

"No. Do you think you could come over? I really need you now" I said through tears.

"Do you even have to ask? I'll be right over" Mitchie said as she quickly hung up.

I sat there for a few minutes on the bathroom floor and then I finally got the strength to get up and I crashed onto my bed. A few minutes later I heard the front door to our apartment open and I heard Mitchie call my name.

"I'm in here" I called somewhat quietly. Sure enough she had heard me and came into my room and engulfed me in a hug. Once again I started crying all over again.

"What's the matter?" She asked. I spent the next 10 minutes telling her everything that had happened and she sat there and listened.

"So are you going to keep it?" She asked. I knew that abortion was wrong, well maybe not at the time but if only I had known that then.

"I can't. I'm only 16 I can't take care of a baby" I said wiping a stray tear from my eye.

"Ali you can't get an abortion. It's wrong" Mitchie told me.

"What other choice do I have, I can't take care of a baby when im 16" I said.

"What about adoption?" Mitchie pointed out.

"I don't know. I don't want the baby knowing that its parents gave it up because they were young and stupid" I answered.

"Well whatever you choose you can always talk to me" Mitchie said engulfing me in yet another hug. I nodded and we sat there for another hour and a half talking about whatever and then she got a call from her mom saying she had to get home for supper. I gave her one last hug before she left. As she left I grabbed the phone book from the living room and looked up a number. Finally I had found what I was looking for and I hesitantly dialled the number. After a few rings a person picked up

"Dr. Mason's Abortion Clinic how may I help you" the receptionist asked.

" Hi my names Alex Russo and I'd like to make an appointment" I answered. After answering a few questions they scheduled an appointment for me the next day. I hung up and tried to forget everything that had happened that day. I layed down on my bed and slowly fell asleep.

_(Alex Dream)_

_It was__ me Mitchie, and Harper were hanging out at my house. We were sitting in the living room and all of a sudden this little girl, she was about 3 came running and shouted "Mommy" and came running into my lap. I looked at Mitchie and Harper curiously_

"_Who is she?" I asked_

_They both looked at me weird "She's your daughter" they answered._

"_How can I have a daughter?" I said not even believing the slightest bit that this little girl was my daughter._

"_Remember, back when you were 16 and you found out you were pregnant?" Mitchie asked._

"_Yeah I remember but I got an abortion" I answered._

"_Are you sure. I mean how can you not remember?" Harper asked me._

"_I have no idea. Up until now I never even knew I had a daughter" I said looking at the girl in my lap._

_She did look a little bit like me, but more like Nate I guess. So we sat there and we talked and I asked Harper and Mitchie about my daughter. Her name was Hope; she was 3 years old and apparently had my hyperness. I learned that quickly because when I was sitting there watching a movie with Mitchie and Harper Hope started running around and when I tried to catch her she ran even faster. So since It was 8 o clock in my dream I put her to bed. Then just as I was heading out of the room she looked at me with those gorgeous brown eyes._

"_Mommy why didn't you want me?" Hope asked_

_(End of dream)_

I jolted up and sat straight up in my bed. I sat there and wondered if that was a sign that maybe an abortion wasn't the way to go. I tried to distract myself by going on the computer but all I could think about was that dream. That look on Hope's face when she asked me why I didn't want her, it was something I knew I wouldn't soon forget. A few minutes later I heard the front door open, everyone was back from the baseball game.

"Hey Alex we got some pizza on the way home do you want some?" Justin came and asked. I shook my head no.

"Are you sure, its Hawaiian, your favourite" He said. Again I shook my head no.

"Ok, well its there if you want some" He said closing my door. I sat at my computer for a few more minutes until something in my head clicked in, I still hadn't told Nate. I grabbed my cell phone from my bed and hit speed dial 1. After a few rings I got an answer.

"Hello" Shane, Nate's brother, answered.

"Hey Shane can I talk to Nate please?" I asked.

"Sure just a second" he answered. I heard him call Nate's name and a few seconds later I heard Nate coming down the staircase.

"Hello" He answered.

"Hey, it's Alex" I said.

"Hey, what's up?" he asked.

"Nothing much" I asked.

"You okay, you don't sound all that great" he said.

"More or less" I answered.

"What's wrong?" he asked me.

"First are you anywhere within hearing distance of anyone?" I asked.

"No. Im on the back porch, the guys are playing Guitar Hero and my parents are gone" he answered.

"Ok, then secondly you might want to sit down" I said.

"Why?" he asked.

"Because I don't want you to collapse when I tell you" I answered.

"Tell me what?" he asked. I took a deep breath and told him.

"I'm pregnant"

Complete silence was my answer.

"Nate? You there?" I asked.

"Yeah, Im here." He answered.

"Did you say you were pregnant?" he asked me.

"Yeah. Remember that night last month" I reminded him.

"Yeah" he answered. I knew he was smiling.

"And there's something else I should let you know too" I added.

"What?" he asked. I knew this wasn't going to be easy to tell him.

"I'm getting an abortion" I said

"You're What?!" He exclaimed.

"I'm not keeping it. I'm getting an abortion" I repeated.

"Alex, you can't do that!" Nate said.

"Nate we can't keep it. Were only 16!" I said.

"Alex you can't get an abortion. It's cruel" Nate said.

"Well it's a little too late. I already phoned and made an appointment" I informed him. With that I hung up and finally left my room.

"Mom, I'm going for a walk" I said grabbing my jacket and shoes then heading out the door. Fresh air was definitely what I needed at this point. As I walked the New York streets I wondered once again if I was truly making the right decision. After a few minutes (well an hour) I decided to head home. As I was walking I was thinking about how I would break it to my parents, or if I even should tell them. As I finally reached my apartment about 15 minutes later I had finally decided to tell them, Well my mom anyway, and I would ask her to tell my dad, I don't think I could have broke it to him without a half an hour or longer scream session. I opened the door and saw my parents and brothers sitting on the couch watching TV.

"Mom can I talk to you?" I asked.

Sure, what's the matter?" She asked as she got up and we walked into my room. I made sure the door was closed before I started telling her the story.

"Well do you remember last month when I asked to stay over at Nate's house and you let me?" I asked. She nodded.

"Well that night we…slept together and then when I took a test today I found out was pregnant" I told her. The look on her face was expressionless.

"But, I don't think I'm going to keep it. I just can't" I said.

"Alex, are you sure that's what you want?" My mom asked. I knew I should have said No, I want to keep it, but at that point I thought I was too young.

"Because once it's done you can't undo it. I want you to make sure this is really what you want".

I took deep breath thinking about my answer. Did I really want to end my child's life because I'm too young? Or do I keep it and face the facts. Finally I gave my answer.

"Yeah, it's what I want" I said.

Little did I know that those five words would be the words that I would regret most in my whole life.

**So there is part one. Part two should hopefully be up soon(possibly later on tonight or tomorrow at the latest. **

**READ AND REVIEW **

**Ex Oh Ex Oh Gossip Gurl.**


	2. AN

Hey everyone

I'm alomost finished the next part to "I Should have turned back" But i'm not really liking it so hopefully later on i can re-write it well enough that i like it and get it up ASAP. So im going to work hard and get it up by the end of the day. And please,please,please review! :D


	3. Part 2

**So here's part 2 of "I should have turned back". Hope u readers enjoy!**

After telling my mom that I had already made an appointment she said that if I wanted she would drive me there. That night I just couldn't sleep knowing what was going to happen the next day. I tossed and turned in my bed for about 3 hours before I actually slept for an hour straight. Then I woke up and tossed and turned for about an hour and fell asleep for about 3 hours or less when I had to get up. I grabbed whatever I could find to wear that day (which ended up being a pair of track pants and a baggy t-shirt) and pulled my hair up in a ponytail. I walked into the kitchen and saw my parents there, dad was reading the news paper and mom was making our usual Saturday breakfast.

"Hey Honey, how'd you sleep?" my mom asked me.

"Horribly. I was up over half the night" I said taking my seat at the table.

"Alex can I talk to you for a minute?" my dad asked. Hesitantly I nodded and he brought me to their room and told me to sit down.

"Now Alex, your mom told me about what you told her yesterday" he started. I got a huge lump in my throat.

"And I want you to know as irresponsible as your decision to sleep with Nate was; I want you to realize what you're doing." He told me.

"I do realize what I'm doing, Dad I can't take care of a baby, and I'm a kid. It's just not the right time" I answered. Then I started crying and my dad rubbed my back trying to get me to stop. A few minutes later I had slowly stopped and we headed back into the kitchen. I sat down and slowly ate my breakfast. The next 3 hours seemed to crawl by and my mom said it was time to go. I pulled on my jacket and I went off with my mom and we drove for the next 10 minutes in complete silence. The whole time I was in the car all I could think about was that dream.

"_Mommy, why didn't you want me?"_

That was all I could hear in my head the whole way to the clinic. As soon as we pulled into the parking lot of the clinic I knew I should have turned back and ran as fast as I could. But instead I walked in with my mom and quietly took my seat as My mom talked to the receptionist. My mom came and sat by me as I waited and she held my hand noticing how upset I was. A few minutes later they called my name.

"Do you want me to go in with you?" my mom asked.

"No. I have to do this myself" I said. She nodded and I headed in.

5 minutes.

That's how long it took for the doctor to do the abortion

And I didn't stop him.

The doctor said that when I was ready I could go. After about 10 minutes I got out of the room and back to my mom. As soon as I opened the door and saw her I started crying and she came and hugged me. We went back to the car and I was silent the whole way home. It was then I realized what I had just gone through with, and there was no way to take it back. Even though I was already crying I started crying harder over the guilt I was now feeling. When we got back to the apartment I went straight to my room and cried. I cried until I fell asleep half an hour later.

_(Alex Dream)_

_I was in this room, where the room was I didn't know but there was Hope standing there with her gorgeous Brown eyes looking at me with Sadness._

"_You didn't want me mommy?" she asked. I didn't know what to say. _

"_Did you and daddy not love me?" she asked. Again I had nothing._

"_No Hope we loved you alot. I'm just not ready for a baby yet" I answered. I picked her up and tried to get her to stop crying._

"_If I could do it over again I would" I said a single tear going down my cheek._

"_Then why did you get rid of me?" she asked._

"_I don't know Hope. I wish I didn't"_

_(End of Dream) _

I woke up and layed there with tears streaming down my face. After about half an hour I texted Mitchie and asked her to come over. She came over about 10 minutes later and we started talking.

"So how you holding up?" she asked me.

"Horrible. I had another dream and Hope was crying and asking me why I didn't want her and asking if me and Nate didn't love her. I told her we did love her but she was still crying and I told her if I could take it back I would" I rambled as I felt yet more tears come to my eyes. Mitchie gave me a hug and tried to get me to stop crying. But as soon as I would feel like not crying I thought of that little girl in my dream and how heart broken she was and I started crying all over again. After talking with Mitchie for a little while I started to calm down a little. We watched some movies and then after she stayed for dinner she had to head home. I layed in my bed and watched some TV and then around 10:30 I fell asleep. The next morning it was Monday and I had to go to school. I tried to get my parents to let me stay home but they said that I should go to school to get my mind off of what happened. Not really in the mood to argue I agreed and started to get ready. It took me about 15 minutes longer than it usually did but I got finished and walked to school. When I got to my locker I saw Nate walking by talking with his brothers Shane and Jason. I just kept myself as hidden as I could and got my stuff from my locker.

"Hey Alex" I heard him say. So much for keeping myself hidden.

"Hey" I said awkwardly.

"So did you go to the…you know" he asked me. I could tell he was having trouble bringing up everything because of the sudden notice but it was better than not telling him at all.

"Yeah. I went yesterday" I answered. He nodded.

" I'm really sorry Nate, I shouldn't have just gone and done that without talking about it with you. I mean, you and I were in it together. So I'm sorry" I apologized.

"Hey, you were scared. Even though I think we should have talked it over before you made that decision, I'll have to accept it" He told me.

"Can I tell you something?" I asked as we headed outside. He nodded.

"You cannot believe how guilty I feel right now. The night I told you about me being pregnant I had a dream and we had a daughter and then she asked me why I didn't want her. And then yesterday the whole time at the clinic that's all I could hear. And then last night I had a dream that she was mad at me and she said we didn't love her. And now I wish I could undo it" I said starting to cry. Nate gave me a hug and a cried into his shoulder. A few minutes later the bell rang and we headed into our Health class. As usual I just sat there and attempted to pay attention, which didn't work. The whole day was like that. We had a test in Science but I just left it blank. Mr. Smithson, the teacher told me to come to him so we could talk after class. So right after class he stopped me.

", why didn't you write the test? Usually you at least write something on the test" he said.

"I've got a lot on my mind right now" I said.

"Well if you'd like we can arrange a make up test" he offered.

"Sure. Whenever is good" I answered. So after booking a make up test I left and headed home. Mitchie offered to go to the mall but all I really wanted to do was be alone. So that's what I did. I went home and had my headphones stuck in my ears and listened to whatever song played on my I-Pod. I got in the door and took off my shoes and headed into my room. I turned on the TV and flicked through the channels. After a while I just kept in on TLC and watched an old Episode of "What Not to Wear". After that was done I waited to see what show was on after that. Ironically it was " A Baby Story". By then I swore someone was trying to make me feel guilty( as if I didn't already) and making me pay for what I had done. But instead of getting mad like I felt like, I cried. I cried for about 10 minutes until I saw my pack of disposable shaving razors. I grabbed which ever one I got first and started ripping it apart. After about 5 minutes I had ripped it completely apart and I grabbed one of the blades. As the tears continued to roll down my face I took the blade and moved it across my wrist. I did that about 7 times until I finally had enough. I wasn't paying attention enough to hear someone knock on the door so continued to slit my wrist until I couldn't really see all that well. I looked down and saw the blood on my sheets and the blood that covered my wrist. I started to feel dizzy and then everything went black, but not before I heard my door open and heard Mitchie scream my name and for someone to call an ambulance.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I woke up and saw blinding lights shine on my eyes. I looked around the best I could and saw the completely white walls that surrounded me. I looked down at my arm and saw a bandage wrapped around it from where I cut up to my elbow. I sat up in the bed and a few minutes later my mom came in. She came over and hugged me and I started crying for some reason.

"I'm sorry" I said as she kept hugging me.

"I know, But honey if you were feeling this guilty why didn't you tell us?" my mom asked me.

"I don't know. I was hoping that the guilt would just go away, but it just got worse" I said. I was going to say something else but then the door opened and the doctor came in.

"Alex Russo?" he asked, I nodded.

"I'm doctor Graffman. Alex you got here just in time, if it weren't for your friend Mitchie I'm not sure if you would have survived" I made a mental note to myself that I literally owed Mitchie my life.

"So why exactly did you do this Alex?" he asked me. I proceeded to tell him the story and he nodded.

"Many people feel guilty after having an abortion. Some people even end their lives over it" he said. I swallowed hard.

"But what's done is done, as much as we'd like to we can't erase things we wish we hadn't done". I nodded.

"So were going to keep you over night for observation and then your free to go tomorrow morning" he said. After that he left. My mom went home for a little while and while she was gone Mitchie came in.

" Hey how you feeling?" she asked.

"Better actually" I answered.

"Good. You really scared me" she said.

"I know, im sorry" I apologized

"It's ok, I know why you were upset" she said.

"And don't beat yourself up about it. Sure it was hard on you but obviously it just wasn't meant to be. And no one can help that" she said. I wanted to tell her I could have helped it by not going through with it but who am I to stop my best friend when she goes all life lesson on me. After talking for a while Mitchie had to go and I feel asleep. The next day I was released from the hospital and I started a new life. I took Mitchie's advice and didn't keep beating myself up over what happened, because it just wasn't meant to happen.

It doesn't seem like that long ago that all that happened. But here it is, 8 years later. I'm now 24 years old and married to my wonderful husband, Nate. We got married about 2 years ago and just after our wedding I found out I was pregnant. Now we have a wonderful 1 and a half year old baby girl, can you guess what her name is?

**Ok everyone, mark this on your calendars, I actually managed to stay true to my word by getting this on tonight. The main reason I don't stay true to my word is because I start getting really bad writers blocks and when I get it I get it bad. So I hope you liked this and if you have any suggestions for future stories let me know. AND PLEASE REVIEW**

**Ex Oh Ex Oh Gossip Gurl**


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